(The gays love diving because someone once told us that all divers were gay, and we chose to believe them despite all evidence to the contrary.)
More than Greco-Roman wrestling?
NO.
We love Greco-Roman wrestling above all else. Have you seen the "start" position?
Anyway, I observed that the divers have much better defined abs than the swimmers do, as though the aesthetics of their bodies is more important. Maybe it is?
It may be because they have to wear bathing suits the size of Livestrong bands.
But Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day, largely pizza and pasta, and unless he's flexing you can't always see the definition of his six-pack.
But the divers looked like they were on the cover of Men's Health.
I said to my brother, "Wow, look at their abs. They're even better than Michael Phelps's."
No!
And he turned to me and said, "Dude. Michael Phelps has the body of a god. Period."
Amen.
This is a man who has to ASK me if men are cute. Like, "Jared Leto. He's, like, a cute guy, right? Like, dudes like him?"
So I did some photo research.
As I was, um, going to sleep.
And it turns out, he DOES have the body of a god. It's not as cut, maybe, but it's spectacular. According to the Daily News, he has size 14 feet and a longer torso than most humans, resulting in an arm span (six foot seven) that is longer than his height (six foot four). It's like Zeus had sex with a dolphin, who gave birth to Michael Phelps.
If he hugged you, it would be like being hugged by a bag of rocks, like the smooth, soft, hot kind you find on the beach.
From far away, it's like his body is one of those long balloons you make animals out of, except for someone filled it with water and gerbils.
Who are constantly squirming around, trying to get out.
Here is the one thing, though: He is kind of a butterface. (A buthisface? Do we say that? We should.)
He's a total butterface.
He looks (and talks) like he has a mouth full of Big League Chew.
But he emphasizes his best assets by wearing his swim trunks extremely low and waxing — or perhaps lasering? — his body hair. I'd still do him.
I mean, duh. He's an American hero.
